MUDD MOBILE

I’m pretty comfortable with my body, so I don’t mind working in the T-Mobile cage. I try to treat nudity naturally. I never exploit it like the brunette Nokia saleswoman in the water cage next to mine. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen happen by her cage! Me? I don’t stare. I’m just here to help people communicate. I think that’s why I like blogging about my daily life too: it helps me communicate. And besides, the manager lets me wear polo shirts. Today I’m rocking a cobalt blue Le Tigre with the collar popped. It covers one thing I’m insecure about — my nipples. Someone said they were small once.

Of course, there are some creeps who just come to peer into our cages. They’ll bite their lips and stare at our mud-spattered thighs, oglers. These people probably already own cellphones. Sometimes the customers are naked too though — it makes sense — you come to the swamp electronics store and you’re guaranteed to ruin a pair of shoes.

I used to recommend the T-Mobile SDA phone. I mean, c’mon! It’s got wi-fi, bluetooth, and runs Windows Mobile. Once you get a 2gig memory card, you can use it as an iPod. The phone is normal size, not all big like a Blackberry or Treo. If you sign up for T-Mobile service, the phone is FREE, provided you correctly fill out the $50 cash-back rebate paperwork. Great, right?

Now I’m not so sure. The buttons are tiny. Whenever you’re in a hurry Windows Mobile freezes up. You gotta dig through 5 different sub-menus to access the alarm clock, and then the alarm clock is DAILY, so if you turn it off when you wake up, you’ll still need to access those 5 different sub-menus and deactivate the damn thing or it’ll wake you up the next day too.

Now I stand there, naked, half-covered in mud… Seeing myself the way the customers see me. I don’t know which phone is best. I want to curl up and burrow, let the swamp cover my nakedness with its ooze.

Steve in the Verizon cage does it different. He’s muscular, well-hung, veiny. When his Nina Simone impersonation sounds out through the new Verizon Karaoke Pak with water-resistant portable speakers, even the straight guys stir, little butterflies beating against their heart cages. That Verizon dude sounds just like Anthony and the Johnsons! they say.

And there are perks. Friends visit. Anne had eight dollars. I was prepared to cut her a deal on a cellphone charger but she uses Cingular. Proprietary chargers are so stupid. “You’ll have to visit Michell’s water cage instead,” I said. “Thanks for the chapbook! And good luck with your cell phone charger.” It’s hard to give specific directions in the swamp, but I sent her in the right direction. Anne thanked me and said “Good luck with your tour.” At first I thought she was naked too, then I realized that she was wearing an open-ish nude colored crocheted dress, the kind that disappears when cops come by, cruising for trouble.